


he was so, so pretty

by gentlelouis



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Boyfriends, Cute, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gay, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-14
Updated: 2018-11-23
Packaged: 2019-08-01 19:49:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 16,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16290668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gentlelouis/pseuds/gentlelouis
Summary: phil lester and dan howell had been together since they were five years old. they immediately became the best of friends.their childhoods were spent indulging in each other's every secret, but later years brought more difficulty than the boys could have believed.





	1. chapter one

**Author's Note:**

> this is some cute stuff so be prepared. lowercase intended because that's what im like, ok.

it was a chilling winters morning when dan howell and phil lester first came across one another. a new term at school had just begun and a shy, curly haired five year old was clinging to his mother's hand as they walked to the entrance. it would be an understatement to say that he looked nervous, but the boy obviously didn't want to admit that. he placed a look of determination on his soft face, yet, as soon as he came in contact with his teacher-to-be, his courage wavered. wavered and then shattered. 

"hello, lad. how're you?" she spoke sweetly, but being five, the brunette seemed to have no idea what was going on. he just smiled a bit and nodded, brown waves scattering messily atop his head. his mum embarked in a conversation with the woman, who was named 'mrs benson,' as her son stood awkwardly gazing at the children playing outside. before he knew it, she was kissing his curls in an act of goodbye, and he was alone.

the bell rang, and he jumped. phil giggled. the boys head shot around as quick as lightning, his brow furrowed, dark caramel eyes searching for the person who had laughed at him. he scanned the room and his gaze settled upon phil. the brown orbs grew in their sockets when he saw the boy, phil suspected he was surprised someone had been paying attention to him. 

"hello," phil said, taking a few steps forward. 

"hi." he gave a small smile, as if trying to express his shyness without having to suck a thumb or something. 

"im phil lester!" phil smiled back, his blue eyes surely lighting up in friendliness.

"dan howell."

"you're pretty," phil had never been one to keep his thoughts inside his head, "so, so pretty." and he wasn't lying. dan was drop dead gorgeous. it might've seemed innapropriate to anyone else, one five year old swooning over another, but phil couldn't help himself. dans blush spread from his neck to his forehead in record time, eyes growing wide once more. phil placed his hands on the shorter boys cheeks, nodded once, and left to sit at his desk. if dan knew the word existed then, he would've said he was astounded. 

despite their obvious differences, phil became best friends with dan over the course of their first year together. phil talked a lot, he was very outgoing and liked meeting new people. dan was the polar opposite, yet, they fitted together like a puzzle. joined at the hip, some would say. 

if dan was so, so pretty when he was five, it was nothing compared to how he looked on his tenth birthday. his hair had grown out into a cloud of soft, chestnut curls, somehow sweeter than when he was tiny. dans skin was slightly tanned, without a blemish, and he had these doe-like eyes that made you want to fall at his feet. he was tall for his age, with long, thin arms and these perfectly proportioned legs that any girl would kill for. phil was in awe of this boy as he sat opposite him, eating a breakfast of maple syrup pancakes. 

"alright there, goggler?" dan sniggered, apparently noticing phils dazed stare.

"hm, what?" he replied, completely zoned out.

dan laughed, hard, god he was pretty. "you're staring again." 

"oh," phil had never sworn before, but right now he was contemplating it, "sorry, i was just-" dan raised an eyebrow cheekily, "im happy it's your birthday." 

"well thank you, philly." he smirked, the way phils face flushed at the nickname always got to him, "im personally glad it's my birthday too."

"and why's that howell?" phil tried, placing his fork down on the wooden table. he positioned his shaking hands on his thighs, attempting to calm his nerves. phil wasn't entirely sure why he was anxious, but that's the effect dan had on him. 

dan didn't speak but held up ten fingers. phil looked at him, puzzled.

"two hands," dan smiled. 

"in january i'll have two hands and a toe," phil remarked, "how's that for exciting?" 

dan giggled his soft little giggle. it hadn't changed much since he was five, and phil still loved it with his whole heart. dan threw his head back in his laughter and when he came back up, surely lightheaded, his eyes were crinkled at the sides and his teeth were showing and phil just adored him. 

"so what are we doing today then?" phil questioned, "it is your special day after all."

dan thought for a moment before he spoke, "what do ten year olds do?" 

"big boy stuff only," phil grinned, "like movies, pizza," he gestured towards his nearly empty plate, "pancakes." 

dan nodded slowly, "i'll get mum to take us to the video store." he stood up and walked off.

phil sighed. dan would definitely be the death of him. those brown eyes, the small hands, his long legs, but most of all those gorgeous curls. all phil could think was 'so, so pretty.' 

when he returned, dan was walking backwards, half way through a conversation with his mother. 

he beamed at phil, "what d'ya wanna watch?" 

"big boy movie," phil shot a sly smile in dans direction, "you know, like, what the teenagers watch." he winked and took a sip of his apple juice. dans blush spread just as it always did when he was embarrassed, or when phil said something mildly suggestive. 

"shut up." he set his gaze on his thighs, but couldn't help glancing up at phil. a smile grew on his pretty face. 

they watched the hunger games. dan cried a little when katniss had to say her goodbyes, he jumped ferociously when the mutts began to chase her and peeta and clung to phils arm when they attacked cato. the two boys ended up wrapped in each other's long limbs, receiving strange looks from dans mum. 

"is this literally all we're doing today?" phil inquired, stroking a hand through dans hair.

"hmm?" 

"cuddling."

"oh," dan smiled that soft smile up at his best friend, "i wouldn't mind."

"neither, but it's your birthday," phil said, "you should have fun."

"i am." he snuggled into phils chest, digging his nose in, slightly uncomfortably, but phil didn't mind. he loved being close to dan like this. it felt so, so pretty.

phil chuckled and pushed him off, despite his longing for the touch to stay, "well, i personally think we should do something." he stood, watching dans face morph into a pout and his grabby hands reach out for the older boy. "stop that, you absolute baby," phil giggled, "get up!"

dan mocked offense, "i am no baby! ten years old." he scoffed and threw a cushion at phil, who just shook his head.

that's when dans mum appeared in the doorway, "what are you boys thinking of doing today," she said in a sort of amused tone, "apart from ruining my tidy lounge?" 

phil looked guilty but dan laughed, so he figured it was fine, "we don't know mum, where can you take us?" 

she smiled, "well danny, i actually had something a little special planned." she retreated to the kitchen, but returned quickly with what looked like three tickets in her hands. dan sprinted over to her, trying to snatch the small pieces of paper.

"hey hey hey! let me speak." dan immediately stepped back, practically bouncing with excitement. "well, i've spoken to phils mum, and i have permission to take you two boys," she gestured to dan and phil, "to london for the night!" 

dans jaw dropped, phils eyes widened.

"you can't be serious?" dan asked, completely bewildered. "london? as in the capital?" 

"yes, honey, the capital." 

dan jumped up and slung his arms around his mother's neck, before wrapping them around phils shoulders, "are we like, staying in a hotel all proper?" 

"of course, real gentlemen." she winked, "come pack and get in the car now, or we'll be late for our check in."

they spent half the day driving, which dan was not particularly fond of. he whined a lot, which his mum was not particularly fond of, but phil thought it was cute.

"my tenth birthday, and im stuck in this stupid car!" he punched the head rest of the passengers seat.

"daniel! we're nearly there, calm down!"

and she was right. the three arrived in london not five minutes later, dan basically jumping out of his seat, phil equally as excited. he just knew how to contain it better. 

the day was spent bowling, eating at a fancy restaurant and exploring a beautiful hotel room.

"how on earth," dan flopped onto his bed, "do they get these rooms so perfect?" 

"dunno," phil sat down beside him, "but it's a lot nicer than anywhere i've ever slept before." 

"tell me about it!"

dan and phil were sent to bed not long after, their lamps flicked off at eleven o'clock. dan was shattered. if it had been anyone else he wouldn't have made his next move, but it was phil! dan crept out of his bed, silent as a mouse, and slipped through the darkness. he stood next to phils bed for a moment, pondering whether this was actually a good idea. he decided it was, and hopped in next to phil.

startled was a correct description of phils reaction, but he wasn't upset with the sudden closeness. actually, he welcomed it. dan looped his arm over phils waist and lay his head on his chest, this was so pure. 

it wasn't until dan whispered a very quiet, "i love you," into the night, and phils brain was playing 'so, so pretty' on repeat that he realised they possibly had a problem.


	2. chapter two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the boy's grow up a bit, each finding their passions. dans falls within acting.  
> he finds himself in an awkward position after receiving the lead male role in his school show- phil helps him overcome the issue somewhat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> enjoy this my dudes. it gets very physical in terms of the lovey-dovey friend shiz so be prepared.

the rest of dan and phils innocent, childhood years were full of meaningless "i love yous" and warm hugs in the dark of night, neither of them knowing exactly what it meant. maybe it meant nothing, eleven year olds surely couldn't know how to love, could they?

phil did.

it was a tuesday afternoon and he'd just got back from school. the boy found himself on his knees, torso laying across the bed, an endless stream of tears pouring from his blue eyes. 

'dan dan dan dan dan'

he couldn't stop it. the string of his best friends name was never ending, and phil was nearly tired of it. it was impossible to ignore, everywhere phil was dan was. whether it be in real life or just inside his overactive imagination, phil couldn't keep him away. he couldn't, and almost didn't want to.

dan was undeniably beautiful, he was eleven now, and had grown up a hell of a lot. the dark, yet light, brown eyes, the tall, lean figure and that hair. phil wanted to run his shaking fingers through it as he had so many times before. it was curly and long and smelt of that shampoo phil couldn't quite place. dan was so, so pretty.

so here he was, crying his eyes out over this boy. if dan knew, god if he knew. their friendship would surely be ruined.

they arrived at school at the same time the next day, catching the others gaze immediately. dan smiled and ran over to phil, who heaved a deep breath and tried to steady his trembling hands. 

"hey!"

"h-hi."

"you alright, phil?" dan looked worried, why couldn't he just stop being gorgeous and caring.

"yeah, fine. it's just," oh god, "cold is all." 

"actually yeah," dan began walking towards the front gate, "can feel autumn coming."

the day was ok, everything was always just ok. phil couldn't get over his nerves around this boy with whom he'd once been so comfortable. it was a confusing mix of "you're so, so pretty" and "why can't i stop thinking about your goddamn face." phil was only fond of half of it.

over the next few months dan became very passionate about drama, phil often wondered whether his loving persona was just another brilliant act. surely it wasn't, he would be able to tell. dan got the lead role in their primary school production of oliver (phil didn't even know he could sing), and became a little bit famous within the community. he was blown away, and rather overwhelmed. phil had to comfort him many a time, with wrapped arms and soft words when all the attention became too much. dan stayed humble so effortlessly and phil couldn't be more in love with him.

except he wasn't.

or... that's what he told himself.

high school was a struggle. the two boys lay in each other's embrace the night before their first day, practically shaking with anxiousness, sharing secrets they felt were necessary to talk about.

"my voice hasn't even broken yet, phil," dan whined quietly, "and im thirteen for gods sake. im gonna be called a baby." phil could hear the pout on his lips.

"at least you're a cute baby-"

"shut up," he tried to sound strong through a giggle.

"well, im not the manliest of all men am i?" 

dan turned onto his stomach and placed his chin on phils chest, eyes locked together. "but at least you're like," he furrowed his brow in thought, "hot."

"im n-"

"you are, don't argue with me," he returned to his original position on his side, but kept his head resting on phils chest. phil was so glad dan no longer had his hand on his tummy, because, god, he probably would've felt it churning.

dan howell just called him hot.

the younger of the two fell asleep shortly after, but phil was sure he wouldn't doze at all that night. he just lay there thinking his annoyingly familiar slideshow of 'dan dan dan dan dan.'

they didn't make much of an effort to socialise during the first term. phil kept to dan and dan kept to phil, it had always been their way and, phil hoped, it always would be. dan kept up his love for theatre, and phil discovered he was a very talented artist. 

"this is incredible, philip," mrs carter had told him after he presented an intricate human anatomy in art class, "it's truly beyond your years."

he'd never grinned so wide in his life (well, when dan wasn't around), and phil bolted to find his best friend that lunchtime. he was sat under their favourite tree, slightly secluded and shady under the branches.

"dan!" he squealed.

"jesus have you got a girlfriend or something?" 

phils face turned emotions quickly, scowling at dan while he laughed, but couldn't stay angry for long because-

"look at this! mrs carter loved it," dan had grabbed the paper and was now gaping at it, his mouth slung open. phil wondered if he was actually ok.

"it's so good," he finally spoke in a very small voice, "im so glad you found this."

phil was confused, "found what?"

"this talent!" dan sprung to his feet, swiftly wrapping his arms around his neck and making the two of them spin, careful to not ruin the drawing. when the two disconnected, phil smiled so big and dan smiled back. he was so, so pretty, and phil could just kiss him...

that year uncovered a lot about dan and phil. most things not dissimilar from others, about talents or interests. in the fourth term, dan auditioned for the schools next show. they would be performing 'wicked' in may of the next year. 

"it'll be ok," phil calmed as they stood in the long line of people wishing to see the cast list for the first time, "you killed it! that part was yours as soon as you walked in, dont worry, dan." 

dan grasped his hand firmly, it sent shivers down phils spine. 

"what if i didn't make it?"

"the only reason they wouldn't take you is if they wanted someone older," he was trying to convince dan that he actually was good enough, "but i highly doubt that, they'll want the best!"

he nearly fainted when he saw:

fiyero - dan howell

and phil had to hold his shoulders to keep him upright.

"holy mother of god," he whispered, "i did it!"

"you did!"

they cuddled more than they ever had in the evening, and that was saying something. phil wanted to show dan how proud he was in the form of kisses, but he couldn't. so he didn't. 

other fourteen year old boys would call them disgusting, probably use hurtful slurs, but in that moment phil couldn't care less. he didn't care when dan placed his head on his lap, falling to sleep very quickly, and he certainly didn't mind when he whispered "goodnight baby." 

phil watched dans popularity rise once again all through rehearsals. along with his popularity, dans mood also changed drastically. he got nervous at the smallest of things, he overthought every action and stopped being affectionate all together. phil ached for his touch, even just a small pat on the back, he needed it. dan was like the most addictive of drugs, once you had him you couldn't let him go. 

it was getting up to a month since they'd hugged and phil was morally losing the plot. the two boys were sitting on phils bed watching harry potter, when phil noticed dan quivering and biting his fingernails down to nubs.

"you okay?" he slid his arm around dans shoulders and brought his head onto phils shoulder.

"yeah im fine it's just," dan spoke through an exhale. phil wasn't sure if it was because of the contact or his nerves. probably a little bit of both.

"just?"

his glossy, dark eyes peered up at phil and even amongst the tears the older boy could see a slight smile, "im scared, phil."

"why's that, baby?" dan relaxed at the nickname, despite phils certainty that he'd tense up. phil combed his hand through dans soft curls as he used to do so often.

"there's a," he closed his eyes and locked his jaw, "a kissing scene."

"oh."

oh.

"it shouldn't be too bad, jus-"

"it shouldn't be too bad?" dan was on his feet, "you have no idea how bad it's gonna be phil," he began to pace, "one, i've never kissed anyone before. two they're sixteen. sixteen, phil! three..." he trailed off.

"three?" 

dan whispered, "it's a girl."

phil was confused. why was it being a girl so significant?

"lots of fourteen year old boys kiss girls. don't worry about it dan, it's completely normal." phils stomach clenched saying the words. what he really wanted to say was 'just kiss me instead, it'll be ok, forget about the girl' but he couldn't bring himself to do it.

dan, however, wasn't so much as contemplating as he tugged at his messy hair.

"i can't, i just can't!" he yelled, thank heaven's phils mum wasn't home.

"why not?" the older stood in front of dan, grabbing his arms to stop his walking.

"'cause no one knows, phil, no one."

no one knows what?

"ssh dan, stay calm with me ok, no one knows what?"

dan just stared at him, big orbs focussing and unfocussing in an irregular pattern. his lips parted in a pathetic attempt to speak and phil wished he could touch them to his own.

"im," he heaved a deep breath, "phil, nobody knows im," what was this secret? 

"im gay."

phil did an internal backflip and failed at hiding a smile.

"that's ok baby, it's ok." he pulled dan close to his chest and placed a hand gingerly on the back of his head. the brunette was crying, but not sadly, it was as if he needed to sob but the emotion wasn't connected to the action.

"are you sure you're not gonna disown me?" and phil laughed, like actually chuckled.

"course not." 

for the first time in ages they slept in the same bed, tightly surrounded by the limbs of the other, and talked. just talked.

"why are you so ok with it?" questioned a very obviously curious dan.

"don't know," phil thought for a moment, "i guess im not 100% sure how i feel about... you know."

"genders?"

a light giggle fought it's way up phils throat, "yeah."

"well," dan snuggled into phils chest, just like he did on that london trip when they were ten, "i hope you make your mind up soon because i have a plan. i love you."

and then he was asleep. and phil was happy and very, very confused.

"love you too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you liked it please comment if you did alyssa (me) needs validation.


	3. chapter three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> phil needed dan so badly, but he wasn't sure whether to make a move.   
> but when dan gets all too emotional over a film and phil starts asking questions- their relationships spirals all over the place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i love you guys who're reading this thanks for the support x  
> (sorry if there's errors i try to edit?)

phils aching want to kiss dan had heightened to above infinity since his coming out. he suddenly felt less guilty as he now knew he wasn't pining after a straight boy, but not entirely as dan couldn't possibly like him back. what was more concerning at the moment, was that blasted scene in the school production. dan had to kiss a girl, and he was not impressed.

"can't elphaba be played by a dude?" he wondered aloud, "hey, phil, can you sing?"

"not like idina menzel, that's for sure," he near on snorted.

"i'll hook you up with my music teacher, be right ba-"

"hey, no, stop," phil put his hands on dans shoulders and pulled him into his chest, "dont try and come up with other scenarios because it's never gonna happen. false sense of security, mm?"

dan raised a cheeky eyebrow and his eyes locked with phils, "sure thing, lester."

the bell rang and dan skipped off towards his form room. phils mouth was dry and he didnt know why or how. he kinda knew he needed water, but the simplest of thoughts were too hard to process right now. 

a few hours later phil was trying to enjoy his lunch. he'd bought a slice of pizza and a chocolate milk, on a usual day, phil would be happy. but today just seemed to be going down... that track.

"philip," and he was back, "i propose an idea."

phils breath hitched at 'propose.'

"and what would that proposal be, daniel?"

dan smiled, "we sleepover at my house tonight."

"hmm," phil smirked, "im staying somewhere else."

dan gasped, and placed a hand on his chest sarcastically, "who's place may that be?" he faked an offended tone and phil couldn't help but laugh. they both shook their heads, dan in mock sadness, phil in amusement.

"i'll tell my mum."

dan was so, so close on his bed. their thighs were touching where they sat, and phil could feel his stomach twisting as it did so often. whenever dan missed a shot on whatever game they were playing (phil wasn't paying enough attention to know), he would jump subtly to his right and slightly hit phil. his left shoulder ached in the best way possible from dans touch.

'dan dan dan dan dan,' it was never ending. he was ten when the dan train began, and now, at fourteen, phil still hadn't managed to make it stop. 

somewhere in a near radius someone was saying his name, but phil could only hear one word; dans name.

"philip michael lester, listen to me goddamnit!"

[I]oh.

"sorry," he said softly, very embarrassed "what'd you say?"

"i said," dan inhaled sharply, probably in annoyance, "im bored and wanna do something else."

phil grinned, "like what?"

"i don't know," he whined, hopping round and slapping his hands on his hips, "something fun!"

"you sound eight," phil giggled as dan pouted, sticking out his bottom lip. he was so, so pretty.

dan suggested going to the movies, with slight complaint from his mother (it was already 7pm), but the brunette insisted they be there for the 7:30 film. 

when they arrived at the theatre dan let out a loud curse, "they're replaying grammy award winners, phil."

"and what's so bad about that, shouldn't they be the best movies?" he chuckled until dan pointed to the screen that was displaying the list.

"it's call me by your fricking name," and he glanced up at phil with puppy-dog eyes, "i don't wanna cry in front of you."

"you've done that many times before."

without a further word, phil had bought them tickets, and the pair were seated in some comfortable chairs.

the movie started and dan grabbed phils knee.

"what?"

"nothing," he whispered, "it's just, timothee chalamet," his eyes turned into literal hearts.

"oh," phil laughed and dan shushed him.

there were tears. a lot of them. on both accounts. for phil it was just little sobs here and there, but dan was completely balling his eyes out, crying into his best friends shoulder. the old lady behind them kept letting out frustrated grunts, but nothing was stopping dans near-on waterfall.

"why'd you cry so much?"

dan threw his hands in the air and spun around in the cool darkness, "he left! i can't believe he-" his language was appalling, but phil found it so endearing. dan was obviously personally connected with the movie and it was so sweet. he ended up in his arms, soaking phils t-shirt.

"and the conversation with elio's dad when he says 'maybe more than a friendship,' you have no idea how much that means to me, phil."

he did. he knew exactly how much it meant to dan. because he felt the same, and he could listen to the devastated brunette ramble for hours because he was so gorgeous. his breath came in short puffs from glossy lips in the chilling air, his eyes were red and blotchy and his hair was falling ungracefully in his perfect face. phil had never wanted to show his affection for dan more.

it was all completely pointless, but it happened. they were back in dans room and he was sobbing, and phil was telling him it was alright- but it wasn't.

"it isn't ok, phil," he started, "elio is in love with oliver and he leaves- that's like you leav-" he threw his hands over his mouth like a horrifying word had escaped and his eyes widened.

"dan?"

"no i didn't m-mean that," he stammered, "i, uh, 'cos we're such good friends and yeah."

phils pulse was racing at 1000bpm and he wasn't sure how to slow it down. his hands were trembling and his voice wavered as he spoke, "it's o-ok, if you," for gods sake, "if y-you, ya know."

"phil," it wasn't a question, it was a statement. he was being serious, and phil knew he'd stuffed up bad, "i can't help it."

"can't help what?" phil was trying desperately not to die. like, actually. his heart was beating so quickly he was literally anxious he'd just drop.

dan turned to face his wall and fisted wildly at his hair, "im in love with my best friend!" he exclaimed loudly.

'dan dan dan dan dan,' phils everything was hammering at whatever bone it could reach, 'dan dan dan dan dan.' the sudden silence was deafening. he couldn't even make out dans (probably) ragged breathing, 'dan dan dan dan dan.' must be a different friend, right?

"dan," he thought aloud, "dan dan dan dan."

"phil?"

and they were kissing, and it was incredible. it was like everything phil had ever dreamed of, soft lips moving slowly together, hands grasping whatever they could. dan was touching his face, his back, his neck, messing up his hair and phil loved it. he never wanted it to end. 

when dan pulled away to gasp a deep breath of air, phil caught a look and, god, he was so, so pretty. he wanted to kiss him again, and not stop kissing him until death forced them apart, and dans plans seemed to be rather similar. he jumped up and wrapped his legs around phils waist, the pair falling back onto the bed. he attacked phils lips like you'd see in a movie, it was so harsh, yet, so wonderfully sweet.

dan was so intoxicating, phil wondered if he would have a hangover the next morning. this boy was everywhere, in his head, in his face- it was too much. the most incredibly accurate description of too much and everything he needed all at once. 

phil wouldn't let anything else happen, despite dans whinging, but they made out for so many hours it shouldve been a world record. every time phil lay his head back to try and sleep dan caught his lips in another soft kiss. wonderful would have been an understatement, because that night was so beyond words phil didn't bother trying to describe it.

a hangover wasn't even near the correct term for phils morning state. it was more of a buzz, like he was high on the most powerful psychedelic drugs known to man. he hoped the low after the high didn't come. 

dan was groggy and gorgeous as ever when he woke, eyes filling with gratitude, "thank you," he murmured. phil wanted to ask 'what for?' but he didn't have the heart. 

the two didn't speak of the night before all day, phil decided it was probably for the best as he wouldn't want anyone at school knowing. he wasn't sure why he felt so strongly about what other people thought, but he guessed everyone worries. 

in fact, the next time dan and phil discussed their kiss was two days later at phils house. 

"so all those 'i love yous' were real?"

"well of course they were real," dan slowly looked up into phils eyes, "ive loved you for years, you know that, right?

no, "i wish i did."

"it's true, phil," he looked slightly sad, but not really, it was an emotion phil couldn't place, "i love you so much. always have."

"i love you too," and they were kissing again, less rushed this time, softer, if that was even possible. dan was releasing pleased noises, but phil was too lost in a dream to comprehend them. 

'dan dan dan dan dan.' he supposed that it was ok now, to only have one thing on his mind. 'dan dan dan dan dan.' 

"we need to go out," dan broke away to say.

"im all yours," phil replied.

"mine."

he was so, so pretty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no sm*t they gud bois


	4. chapter four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dan and phil are now together, their relationship growing ever stronger. however, certain obstacles always seem to come between the boys.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> love you guys sorry for mistakes i try my best

dan and phil found so much comfort in each others arms, it was impossible for them to separate. the two boys slept over at one another’s houses almost every night, hugging and whispering sweet nothings into the early hours of the morning. it had been a week and a half since their first kiss and phil was still riding the tidal wave of happiness.

“mornin’ gorgeous,” phil said groggily as he walked into the bright kitchen. dan was sat at the dining table, a ray of beautiful sunshine was splayed over his beautiful face, lighting up his caramel eyes and phil couldn’t get enough of him.

“hey,” he took a small bite out of his toast and looked up at the older boy. he was so, so pretty.

“today’s the day, huh?”

“what?” dan looked confused, “oh. yeah,” he shifted uncomfortably in his chair. dan had the big rehearsal today, and, boy, was it big. the damned kissing scene. it wasn’t that he was worried he’d like, fall for the girl, or that phil would get over jealous (which he assured dan he wouldn’t), it was more that the brunette hadn’t kissed many people before. that was, one person.

“don’t worry about it,” phil sat opposite dan who was slowly chewing his breakfast, a look of sheer terror on his face, “she’ll be great about it.”

“what’s that supposed to mean?” he looked exasperated, “she’ll be a great kisser?”

“no,” phil hoped not, “just that she’ll probably be super casual about it. besides she has a boyfriend.”

“yeah,” dan giggled, “so do i.”

phil sighed, “so nothing will come from it, baby. i promise,” he tucked a lock of golden-brown hair behind dans ear and smiled softly. the younger boy immediately relaxed, his face falling into a calm grin. he was so, so pretty.

“it was crazy!” dan yelled on the way home.

“that bad, was it?” phil chuckled at his boyfriends dramatic antics.

“not so much bad as disgusting” he glared at the pavement, “she like, touched my waist, phil - so close to my ass," he shuddeded, "and mr lewis said it was ‘good!’ good? it was the weirdest thin-”

and their lips were together again, “you were waffling.”

“sorry,” but he didn’t look apologetic through his smirk, “thanks for stopping me.”

“that’s what i’m here for,” phil linked their hands as he did their arms on a cold night. dan originally didn’t like hand-holding, thought it was cheesy, but the action seemed to have grown on him. “if you don’t like her being touchy then ask her to stop.”

dan gaped at him, “me asking for a change? i don’t bloody think so.” phil laughed at his annoyed expression.

“then deal with it.”

whenever they were alone, in the confines of a bedroom or even under a secluded tree at school, dan and phil kissed. they couldn’t help it. for most teenagers it’s a mad rush of hormones, but for them it was different- like if they kept off each other they’d expire. so here, on dans bed, they were unsurprisingly making out. 

“mmmm,” dan murmured against phils lips before pulling away, “i just wanna tell you something.”

phil glanced up into his pretty eyes, and looked for any trace of uncertainty or another negative emotion. he found none. just pure beauty in every blemish.

“yeah?” 

“you’re a way better kisser than that girl,” he scoffed, smile growing wide, perfect teeth showing in an irreplaceable grin.

“well, i’m pleased,” phil couldn’t help smiling along with dan, his happiness as contagious as a horrible sickness, “hopefully you’ll be kissing me a hell of a lot more than her.”

dan erupted with laughter, his head thrown back, tight curls bouncing upon it. he was so, so pretty.

"i hope so too."

and they were kissing again. phil had decided prior to today that kissing dan was his favourite thing to do. he preferred it to even playing video games - and that was saying something.

dan kissed the girl, maya her name was, 16 times more that week. phils promise of not getting jealous was sitting thin in the air, waiting to be blown away, but the older boy was keeping it together. in front of dan, anyway. when he wasn't around, phil would think only of the two of them, dans lips pressed to hers. he wanted to cry. phil wondered if dan actually did enjoy kissing her - was he was telling his boyfriend a little white lie? no. he couldn't have done that to phil. 

"hey."

phil was crying and dan was there, 'oh no oh no oh no.' he tried to subtly dry his eyes and smiled up at the confused brunette.

"are you crying?"

"what?" yes, "no."

"yes you are, phil," dan sat beside him under their tree with a worried look, "why?"

"it's nothing, just," he inhaled deeply, "i promise it's nothing." 

phil was shaking and dan was holding him, and it'd been the other way around so many times. 

"it's ok, baby," dan breathed into phils ear, "it's ok."

but that's what phil had said when dan wasn't ok, and now, when reversed, he understood how horrible it felt. 

"dan im sorry," he nearly yelled, grabbing dans perfect face and pulling away from the embrace.

"for what?" phil wished he could stop confusing this boy, he was too pretty to have to feel that.

"i-i broke my p-promise," he stuttered.

"calm down, darling," dan hushed, "what promise?"

"i said i wouldn't get jealous, dan," he swallowed hard, "but i can't stop thinking about you kissing maya an-"

but dan was kissing him, not maya, and suddenly it was ok.

"i love you i love you i love you," dan whispered as he gripped phils back with all his strength, and he didn't stop until the bell rang signalling that lunch was over, "so much," dan finished. phil was still crying, just less violently.

"you'll be ok?"

"yeah."

the first show was the following tuesday, and dan was wonderful. he played his part so well, and phil heard many people raving about 'that boy' during the half-time break. the kiss scene was nice- well, it would've been if it wasn't your boyfriend locking lips with someone else- but dan looked a little bit awkward. when he kissed phil he melted, body falling into a beautiful trance. but with maya he looked stiff and anxious. phil guessed that even the best of actors couldn't pull off a love as brilliant as theirs. 

"it's quite funny that your worst scene was the kiss," phil grinned as they left the theatre, after dan got out of costume.

"god, i was so damn nervous anyway," he shook his pretty head, "just to top it all off she pulled my hair!" dan exclaimed, running his hand through what maya had tugged.

"not into that?" phil winked, knowing it'd frustrate the poor boy.

"i fricking hate you," he grabbed phils shoulders, "so damn much, lester." but he pecked his lips anyway, and phil sighed, a huge weight lifted off of him. the weight of maya and dan.

dan hadn't eaten since breakfast, as his stomach was churning so much it probably would've chucked any food right back up. the boys got pizza.

"i love this, phil," dan lay his head on his boyfriends shoulder.

"me?"

"everything," he sighed, "it's all so lovely."

and for the first time ever phil voiced that one thing that always filled his mind.

"dan," he kissed his cheek, right where the simple would be. phil looked at dans face, his caramel eyes, his wave-like hair, his pale, perfect skin. he would always be gorgeous.

"you're so, so pretty."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope this was okay lmao


	5. chapter five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> growing up isn't always easy. especially when you have to drop bombshells on your parents- coming out being one of the hardest things to do. phils parents take it well, however, dans family isn't so understanding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> little bit of homophobia and abuse mentioned but not described in detail because 1. that's horrible and 2. i couldn't do the topic justice.  
> i say it every time but pls ignore errors lmao.

phil held dans hand, kissed his lips and stroked his hair throughout the next two years. they shared sickly sweet "i love yous" and corny compliments, but barely ever argued. phil was in romantic heaven. 

it wasn't until after phils seventeenth birthday that he told anyone - about him and dan. he felt like they were their own secret, and why should other humans have to indulge in their relationship? but phil finally felt too bottled up and resorted to confiding in his mother.

"mum," he sat down opposite her in a chair in the lounge, "i have to talk to you."

he would always remember her facial expression - worried and confused all at once. probably thinking her son had been in some awful situation. quite the opposite really.

she ushered him onto the couch next to her, "anything, baby, what is it?"

"i don't know how to say this," he was shaking. hands. legs. brain. 'dan dan dan dan dan,' he needed dan, they needed to do this together. 

"you can talk to me, phil. seventeen years you've been telling me new things," she smiled and took phils hands in hers. 

"okay," he breathed out.

'i'm gay' just say it. she won't care. it isn't that big of a deal.

"i- uh. me and dan," for gods sake, lester, "we um. i'm gay."

"oh."

oh? that's all you have to say?

"when did you know?"

the first time i ever saw dan howell.

"i think i was ten or... or eleven," five. five years old. he fell in love with the mocha haired, quietest boy in his class.

"phil," she cried - in both ways - and took her son into her arms, "i'm so proud of you honey."

why she was proud? phil didn't know. but he felt better getting the words off his chest.

"i hope it's okay tha-"

"of course it's okay, phil, it doesn't change you."

phil took another deep breath, "that's not what i'm talking about," another oh, "it's dan and i."

she shifted strangely in her seat, "you and dan are," his mum searched for the word, "together?"

"ye-," his voice cracked, "yeah."

another awkward silence.

"is that not okay?" phil inquired, angry, "because i'll choose him over anyone any day-" 

"no it's just," she smiled a bit, "he's been sleeping in your room for years a-"

"mum." 

no.

"no."

"just be careful yeah," she stood and patted phils shoulder, "i'm always here for helpful mother lessons on safe-"

"lalalalalalalala!" phil put his hands in his ears, blocking out his mother's surely disgusting sentence as she walked off.

the phone call with dan later was as wonderful as ever. hearing his voice was like an anesthetic to any grief phil was feeling.

"you should've been there."

"it was your time, phil, i didn't need to be."

"it would have been easier."

"i'm sure it was perfect, darling."

they fell asleep to the crackled sound of each other's breathing, never separated.

dan came out to both of his parents the following week, apparently it didn't go as smoothly as phils. his mum seemed scared, his dad furious.

"i'm alone, philly," tears were pouring from his caramel eyes. dan didn't deserve this, "he doesn't love me anymore."

"he does he just doesn't understand right now," god, how phil hoped he was right, "your dad will come around, that's what dads are for."

"maybe."

over the next month or so phil noticed a rapid decrease in dan. decrease in everything. he never spoke in front of anyone other than phil, the only food he ate was at school and he never seemed motivated to do anything. not even go to his boyfriends house.

"dan," phil had to confront the situation, it was killing him, "we need to talk, hmm?"

he wrapped his arms around dans waist, only to be repayed with a flinch and retraction. 'dan dan dan dan dan.' it was like thunder, drumming the inside of his head. 

"please stop avoiding me. i can't live like this."

dans answer wasn't with words, but he grabbed the hem of his shirt and pulled it up over his head. he shook out his messy curls and hung them low. phils gasp was audible- so much so he surprised himself. 

dans torso was covered in bruises and cuts, clearly not inflicted by sports or tree climbing. phil had someone to kill. the brunette looked up, eyes rimmed with tears, and mouthed a single word.

"help."

phil immediately made it his mission to keep dan away from his house as much as possible.

"who the fu-"

"my dad, phil, but you can't tell anyone."

"the hell i'm not telling anyone," phil was fuming, "he's abusing you."

"i-it's fi-fine," he was shaking, and phil only then noticed how his weight had probably dropped 10 pounds. dans ribs and collarbones stuck out, everything painted in brown or soft purple. even in his distressed state phil couldn't think he was ugly. because he wasn't. he was so, so pretty. 

"it isn't fine, dan," phil fisted his hands wildly through his black hair, "it's awful. it's so bad, i don't know what to do."

"nothing." 

"but i love you," it was so empty in that moment. uncalled for, even, "and i won't let this continue."

phil wished he could visit dans mind, see how he felt. but that was impossible, so he settled with kissing him - for the first time in days. 

dan kissed back like his life depended on it, "never leave me phil."

"not a chance, babe."

dan spent the majority of the next week at phils house, and when he was home, his boyfriend was with him. they made sure to be clearly 'just friends' while in the presence of dans family. the boys' acting skills paid off as usual. it wasn't until one o'clock in the morning, on wednesday, that they allowed themselves to touch intimately. first a slight hug, then a more full-on one, then flat out making out. they couldn't help it. dan was sixteen and phil was seventeen - who cared anymore?

explaining their... situation... to phils parents was a struggle. they took a while to understand what the actual issue was, but when they figured it out the reaction was horrific. the pair hugged him immediately and told him everything would be alright as long as he stayed in their care. 

"i want your parents, i'm never leaving," dan said later that night.

"they're pretty awesome, right?"

"better than my disaster of a family."

"i liked your mum," phil whispered.

"she isn't the problem."

"does he hit her too," and the older boys stomach churned. 'please say no please say no please say no.'

"no."

thank god.

"she just can't stand up to him," dan spoke, barely audible, "she's scared."

"and you?"

"terrified."

phil wanted to reach out for the boy, make it all okay, force him out of his hell-for-a-life - but that wasn't possible.

"stay with me, dan," physically, mentally, emotionally, phil didn't know. what he did know was that dan needed phil and vice versa, "please stay."

"i will," he croaked, clearly fighting back tears, "i promise."

dans strength built back up and his bruises faded. phil checked his entire body every day to make sure no new ones appeared. they didn't. and phil was so, so happy. and dan was so, so pretty. 

"i want everything to be normal again," dan announced one morning over a hot cup of tea. 

"it will be," phil assured, "very soon."

dan smiled sadly, "how can you he sure?" he glanced down at his mug and swirled the contents with his pinky finger. it was always the little things that phil adored.

"because it's me that's gonna make it normal again," he grinned.

"is that so, lester," dan smirked mischeviously.

"i believe it is."

he didn't know how he was going to be dans 'knight in shining armour,' but he would be. 

phil would make it happen. 

if it was the last thing he ever did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading


	6. chapter six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> after phil finds out about dans struggle with his parents, his father in particular, he knows some plan of action must take place. 
> 
> but what?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one has a bit of homophobia and abuse mentioned :(  
> strap in this chapter is wilder than the phandom skskks

dan howell was gorgeous. despite all his flaws and scars, he was so, so pretty, and phil lester made it his duty to tell him everyday. 

dans dad hit him simply because he was gay and it was the most ridiculous thing, but phil couldn't always prevent the ridiculous things from happening. he was just a seventeen year old boy after all.

what he could do, however, was give dan everything he needed among the endless horror. the two boys slept together, arms around each other, inseparable, every single night. phils bed was warmer with him there, and he wouldn't have it any other way. 

"phil," it was sweet.

"yeah?"

"i never thought i'd fall in love," dan sighed and looked up at his boyfriend through thick eyelashes. 

"really?" phil smiled, he knew little dan had been wrong.

"nah," he pondered for a moment, "but i have."

"why'd you think you wouldn't?"

"not sure," he thought again, "i just didn't think i'd be able to give myself to someone. it scared me, even when i was so young. i had no idea how insane it would feel to be in love with someone, you know?" phil didn't know, he'd been head over heels in love for years, but he could listen to dan talk for hours, "it's kinda funny to think about now if im honest. not being in love, or loved for that matter, is the terrifying part now. i don't know where i'd be without they boy i love, phil," phils heart fluttered, "because he's kept me alive," dan grinned.

"has he just?" 

"god, im so fricking cheesy aren't i?" 

phil giggled, "just a little."

he could hardly believe that intellectual conversations like these happened at three am of all times, but phil wasn't complaining.

dan let out a huge yawn and nuzzled his forehead into his boyfriends chest, "i need to sleep. home tomorrow."

"ok," phil took in a sharp breath through his teeth, "don't worry about it, i'll be right there."

"i know," phil could hear the smile on his lips, "I love you."

"i love you too, gorgeous." 

he was so, so pretty.

dans father was tall and muscular, with an intimidating bearded face that dan couldn't sport even in thirty years. he made phil nauseous.

"welcome home, dan," he spoke smoothly, that horrible smirk constantly plastered on his sly face.

"hey," dan near-whispered.

"i'm sure you two boys had a lot of fun at phils house didn't you," dan breathed in sharply, "i hope you know there'll be none of that under my roof."

phils stomach churned, and dan visibly stiffened.

"we didn't, we're n-not-"

"don't even bother dan," he shook his head, "you're lucky he's here," dans dad pointed to phil threateningly, who inferred immediately and wanted to smack the man. he felt sick.

"c'mon phil," dan tugged on his wrist, "let's go play mario kart or something."

they could feel the older mans glare on them all the way up the stairs, "something," he chucked evilly.

'dan dan dan dan dan.' phil didn't know how he'd never realised how terrifying dans dad was.

they did play mario kart, but resorted to crying within about ten minutes. dan broke down, completely, and phil just held him, their combined bodyweight baracading the door so no one could enter. sweet nothings were whispered and soft hair was stroked until dans crying ceased and he looked up. 

"thank you," he said softly.

"for what, baby?"

"keeping me safer than they ever have."

and it hit. that one sentence hit phil like a ton of bricks. he felt a physical impact and he knew he had to be with dan forever.

"i want you to get away from here," phil shook as he spoke, but it was ok because dan was shaking too.

"how?"

"we could run away," he said, "take what we need and just go."

"but my family-"

"who cares, dan," phil turned so he was kneeling in front of the brunette, "it's better for you to be away from that. we could go to london, set up a business, be a really gross sappy couple. is that what you want?"

"yes," he whispered, almost immediately, "but i don't know how. we haven't got any money."

"money means nothing in this world, baby," it was a lie, but a convincing one nonetheless, "we can buy a really crappy flat with what we've got now, live there for a bit, get jobs, build up our finances and then move somewhere better," he smiled, and dan did too.

"maybe."

"i think we can do it."

"me too," dan still seemed skeptical, phil was delusional at the best of times, but this was next level. 

"i promise you, darling," he rubbed his thumb over dans bottom lip, "i promise."

although teary eyed with hair covering his whole forehead, dan was still undeniably beautiful. phil would never stop thinking about him and his wonderful, wonderful spirit. dan was something more. he was so, so pretty.

phils master plan began to take action within the next two weeks. dan became more and more anxious about leaving, but all the more excited too. it wouldn't be easy, god, it would probably be the hardest thing they'd ever do, but phil knew it was for the best. lots of people run away, right? 

"phil im so scared," dan stood at the bottom of his steps, bedroom now completely empty except for the furniture, with three suitcases beside him. 

it was happening. dan and phil were leaving the hell they lived in for a much happier life. they'd purchased a one bedroom apartment, all they needed at this point, and were looking at employers in central london. it was insane, for lack of a better word, and the boys didn't know if they could do it. but phil was optimistic, dan too most of the time, and there was nothing stopping them at this point.

"it'll be fine, dan," phil caressed his face, "write your letter?"

"yeah," dan spoke, breathy.

phil had told his parents they were leaving. they weren't entirely sure if it was a good idea but their son assured them it was for the best. dan wasn't even going to try. he would leave a letter for his mother and father, there was no debate.

dear mum and dad,  
im going away, far away. phil too. we're leaving because we can't live here any longer, it's not safe. especially for me. i will miss you, but you have to understand that phil loves me more than you ever could, so i've made my desicion to go with him. i wont tell you where we're going or what we're doing, as you may come looking for me. just know that your son is now happier than he's ever been before and it's all because of something you'd call 'disgusting.'  
i am gay. and i dont care if you hate me for it. if i had the choice, i wouldn't change a thing, because phil lester is the most amazing person on the planet. i can't imagine being without him. and that's why i have to leave- because without phil i'd be an absolute mess- because you couldn't help me when i needed it.   
so, thank you for being good parents until i was about fifteen, and you have to not look for me. if you do, i'll tell the cops what you've done to me dad, i have scars to prove it. mum, stay strong- i know you will- i love you.  
from your elated son,  
dan.

"done," he exhaled, grinning like a child who'd just won a soft toy.

phil was crying, "i hate you," he smiled.

"why," dan took a step forward and wrapped his arms around phils waist, trailing his fingers up his back.

"you're so beautiful, even on paper," he shook his head, and rested it in dans soft curls. 

the moving truck pulled up outside dans house, already packed with phils belongings. the two, now eighteen year old, boys helped pack dans stuff and they settled in the back of a cab.

"this is it," dan said quietly, "no more holding back. this is dan and phil."

"it is," phil locked their fingers together as dan laid his head on the older boys shoulder. 

"i love you."

"i love you too."

and phil got his last glimpse of dan as a teenager, he was now all grown up. it was so emotional. despite being the age of an adult, dan still looked so young, so vulnerable. his hair was longer than it had been for ages, curls now cascading down his face. caramel eyes were still as calm as they'd been when dan was just five. long limbs and slim frame, deep dimples, bright smile, scattered freckles. he would be phils death without a doubt.

and it was hard to believe that this was a human being- dan howell was too good to be true. partially broken but no longer struggling, he was too beautiful to be real. 

as dan settled back in his seat, falling limp at phils side, probably sleeping, all phil could think was 'dan dan dan dan dan.' it was cliche, but he knew he'd never stop thinking about his boyfriend.

because, god, he was so, so pretty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading ily all


	7. chapter seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dan and phil are faced with possibly their worst scenario yet. the only thing they can do is stick together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there is inferred sex in this chapter woop, but no description of it because idk. if y'all want smut maybe i could write some but i'll need some convincing lmao. if i choose to, the next part will probably just be an explicit version of this same chapter. i would do it like that because some people aren't comfortable with smut, hope everyone understands :)

everything was tumbling down a spiral of awfulness. well, not everything. dan was there and he was so, so pretty. phil was happier than he's ever been in that aspect- but the smiles couldn't last forever.

one month ago, dan and phil placed an offer on a kinda rubbish flat in london city and they escaped their lives in suburbia. dan was bubbly as he rode in the cab, but phil was stressing on the phone.

"what do you mean it's fallen through?"

dans head whipped around so quickly he must've hurt his neck.

"no- you- you accepted the offer-"

phil was cut off by an agitated sounding london accent on the other end.

"ok so what does that mean?"

more muffled talking.

"brilliant!" phil heaved a deep, sarcastic breath, "thats just amazing, thanks."

he hung up and exhaled, clearly pissed off.

"don't even tell me," dan whispered.

"ok," phil replied.

phil instructed the driver to take them to the nearest, cheapest hotel- praying internally that there was a vacancy available. basically, they had a whole lot of furniture, suitcases and not a heap of money. plus no house. great.

the place where they stayed was slightly run down and mediocre quality. however, the staff were friendly and the beds were comfortable. all you need, really. they had a working shower/bath, an average sized kitchen unit and a small living area. dan was pleased to see the vast array of tv channels.

"you know," he spoke softly, turning towards phil from where he was sitting in front of the television, "bigger isn't always better, lester."

"i sure hope you're talking about this hotel," phil raised his eyebrows as dans mouth became a defined o.

"i didn't mean-"

"i know, darling, im just messing with you," phil chuckled as he joined his boyfriend on the floor.

"i know you're really angry," dan nuzzled his head into phils shoulder.

"yeah," phil nodded, "but as long as im with you it's all ok."

"ew," dan screwed up his pretty little face, "thats so cliche."

"but it's true," phil reasoned, "and you love it."

"no, i love you."

dan howell with his curly brown hair, dark caramel eyes and lightly tanned, perfect, skin was the prettiest thing phil had ever seen. if the boy was a disease, phil would have been dead years ago. he was addictive and phil was constantly high off him. 'dan dan dan dan dan.' the boy who was strong enough to run from his parents, the boy who cried too much and needed closeness too often but was somehow so perfect.

and as they lay in the over-crisp white sheets of a hotel bed the two boys needed more for the first time. it was like an unspoken agreement that this- this was the moment. dan looked nervous as he unbuttoned his shirt, and phil told him it was all ok. but it was filled with hypocracy because phil himself was shaking with nerves. hurting his boyfriend was the scariest part. he loved him too much to ever do that.

they were kissing and it was different than ever before- filled with so much more passion and longing and want. hands were roaming and legs were tangled but, god knows how, it was amazingly perfect. phil wanted that too-short hour to never end.

dan was so, so pretty.

"hey, gorgeous."

the next morning. phil expected it to be awkward, but it wasn't. he and dan had woken up in each other's arms once again, this time closer.

dans reply was just an outrageous fit of giggles.

"i can't believe we did that, phil," he was laying on his tummy, hair in possibly the biggest mess phil'd even seen it in. it was all the more endearing. 

"mmm," phil mumbled groggily, "i can." 

he rolled over and pulled dan onto his chest, the younger a hot, blushing mess.

"i remember that night," phil said quietly, "before our first day of high school when we were drifting off just like this. then you called me hot for the first time," phil exhaled and dan laughed again, "you have no idea what that did to me. my whole body shook, dan," he bowed his head to look at the younger boy.

dan looked up innocently, "i don't tell you that enough."

"what?"

"you're always going on about how im 'so, so pretty,' but i hardly ever repay the compliment."

phil smiled, "dan, you do, don't worr-"

"you're so hot..." he yelled, drawing out the o sound in 'hot' for way longer than necessary. sitting up abruptly, knees either side of phils slim body, dan threw his head back and grinned, "how do i cope with this disgustingly beautiful person beside me every," he raised a cocky eyebrow, "single day."

"stop," phil shook his head, embarrassed for some reason.

"never!" dan exclaimed, acting mock offense, "i am allowed to shower my boyfriend in praise, am i not?"

"no you're not," phil replied.

dan shrugged, "i guess you'll have to call me gorgeous again instead."

phil huffed, but smiled brightly as he said, "of course i will, gorgeous," the final word was sarcastic but its meaning held not one shred of a lie.

it took no more than a month for dan and phil to find a new place to rent. in that time phil acquired a job at a kinda fancy café, dan upset that he'd have to be alone during the day. he needed something to take his mind off the loneliness so dan applied to work in a flower shop. of course, the lovely old lady who owned the store immediately fell in love with his adorable look and calm personality, therefore securing him the job.

dans work hours were one short of phils, so every afternoon he'd grab a hot chocolate from his favourite barista.

"i don't understand how you get through the day without a coffee," phil pondered aloud one day as he skillfully mixed milk and chocolate.

"because it's disgusting," his boyfriend reasoned, "i'm not gonna drink something gross, phil."

"but it's basically liquid energy," phil commented.

"oh shut up," dan rolled his pretty eyes, "you're talking nonsense and there's a line of customers so hurry up."

"you love my nonsense," and with a quick peck on the lips across a counter dans drink was thrust into his hands.

the coffee debate lasted for far too long.

"so if you were gonna have some how do you think you'd like it?" phil asked, back at their hotel.

"no clue," dan chuckled, "what're the options?"

"well there's black which is really strong, white which you'd probably prefer, espresso if you wanna be jumping out of your skin, skinny-"

"skinny," dan said forcefully.

"why?" phil laughed at his tone.

"sounds healthier," he smiled.

"no i know why you want it skinny," phil smirked and gestured to his body, "because that's how you like your men!"

"shut up!" dan yelled, getting up from his seat at the dining table to throw a tea towel at his boyfriend.

"sorry, sorry," phil was in fits of laughter, and it was a cheesy joke but he didn't care whatsoever because he loved this boy so much. when dan laughed, he laughed too. 

their new apartment was nothing special, but after reclaiming their previously stocked belongings dan and phil began to make it look like a home. the small flat was full of flowers- ones dan specifically recommended- and their scent filled the area with a sweet aroma. it reminded phil of his beautiful brunette. 

phil mentally described dan nearly every day. he used similar adjectives each time but his descriptions were all different. if he was an able writer he'd write endless poems and storys about dan. phils brain was an amazing place, everything he thought was wonderful and sweet- but as soon as the boy went to write anything he went blank. it was like the universe knew that his thoughts of his boyfriend were only for him, not to be shared. so that universe made him unable to record the words. 

phil knew he could never tell dan just how stunning he thought he was. if he tried, he would surely just stutter and choke up the words on a sob. dan would understand.

he then opted for mentally posting the thoughts to dan. their heads were resting together as they lay in bed, dans curls tickling phils nose, and if he'd cared he would've moved them. but he didn't. because dan was perfect.

'dan dan dan dan dan.' it was his childish memories flooding back, the dan train used to never leave the station- the station being phils mind. he was always there, not physically but phil could always touch him. not emotionally, but phil could always feel him. not mentally, but phil could always connect with him.

love was so damn confusing. phil guessed it would be worse if dan was his second, or third, or twelfth love, but he had no idea because this was his first. his first and only. one hundred percent true, pure, passionate love. and it was sickly sweet and phil didn't care. he couldn't stress that enough.

because dan was so, so pretty.

with his long, dark curls.

his deep, caring eyes.

his freckled cheeks.

his full, kissable lips.

his narrow shoulders.

his thin, lanky arms.

his perfect stomach and hips.

his gorgeous legs, thighs, calves.

even his goddamn feet were attractive.

he was so, so pretty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you nasties wanted smut comment below sigh ily all


	8. chapter seven (explicit version)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> same as the last chapter except smutty because that's what y'all wanted.
> 
> the least formal summary ao3 has ever seen lmao.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> smut everyone!!! it's lowkey because i've never written any before but i tried my best

everything was tumbling down a spiral of awfulness. well, not everything. dan was there and he was so, so pretty. phil was happier than he's ever been in that aspect- but the smiles couldn't last forever.

one month ago, dan and phil placed an offer on a kinda rubbish flat in london city and they escaped their lives in suburbia. dan was bubbly as he rode in the cab, but phil was stressing on the phone.

"what do you mean it's fallen through?"

dans head whipped around so quickly he must've hurt his neck.

"no- you- you accepted the offer-"

phil was cut off by an agitated sounding london accent on the other end.

"ok so what does that mean?"

more muffled talking.

"brilliant!" phil heaved a deep, sarcastic breath, "thats just amazing, thanks."

he hung up and exhaled, clearly pissed off.

"don't even tell me," dan whispered.

"ok," phil replied.

phil instructed the driver to take them to the nearest, cheapest hotel- praying internally that there was a vacancy available. basically, they had a whole lot of furniture, suitcases and not a heap of money. plus no house. great.

the place where they stayed was slightly run down and mediocre quality. however, the staff were friendly and the beds were comfortable. all you need, really. they had a working shower/bath, an average sized kitchen unit and a small living area. dan was pleased to see the vast array of tv channels.

"you know," he spoke softly, turning towards phil from where he was sitting in front of the television, "bigger isn't always better, lester."

"i sure hope you're talking about this hotel," phil raised his eyebrows as dans mouth became a defined o.

"i didn't mean-"

"i know, darling, im just messing with you," phil chuckled as he joined his boyfriend on the floor.

"i know you're really angry," dan nuzzled his head into phils shoulder.

"yeah," phil nodded, "but as long as im with you it's all ok."

"ew," dan screwed up his pretty little face, "thats so cliche."

"but it's true," phil reasoned, "and you love it."

"no, i love you."

dan howell with his curly brown hair, dark caramel eyes and lightly tanned, perfect, skin was the prettiest thing phil had ever seen. if the boy was a disease, phil would have been dead years ago. he was addictive and phil was constantly high off him. 'dan dan dan dan dan.' the boy who was strong enough to run from his parents, the boy who cried too much and needed closeness too often but was somehow so perfect.

and as they lay in the over-crisp white sheets of a hotel bed the two boys needed more for the first time. it was like an unspoken agreement that this- this was the moment. dan looked nervous as he unbuttoned his shirt, and phil told him it was all ok. but it was filled with hypocracy because phil himself was shaking with nerves. hurting his boyfriend was the scariest part. he loved him too much to ever do that.

they were kissing and it was different than ever before- filled with so much more passion and longing and want. hands were roaming and legs were tangled but, god knows how, it was amazingly perfect. phil wanted that too-short hour to never end.

dan got hard first. of course, it had happened before, and phil had lightheartedly teased him for it- but now it was so different. phil looked up at him from where he was lying, blue eyes clouded and pupils blown wide. a nod was shared and phil began kissing dans neck. more passionately than he'd done before. dan was grabbing at phils shoulder blades, his hair, his back, basically anything he could reach... and he was moaning. it was the hottest sound phil had ever heard, and he knew he needed more of it. so slowly he moved his lips down dans body towards his crotch.

"p-phil," dan groaned.

"yes baby?" he'd stop if it was overwhelming his boyfriend. 

"don't tease, please," he gasped, "i need- i need-"

"tell me what you need," phil smiled.

"you, your mouth, your hands, your..." he trailed off.

phil just smirked and pulled dans shirt over his head, before taking his trousers down his long, tan legs leaving dan only in his boxers. he smiled up at the brunette to comfort him, but dan was too caught up in his whining and with the hand over his face he wouldn't have seen phil anyway. 

so the older boy just continued to take dans clothes off. when he was naked, phils breath was hitched. he was ridiculously hot. it was unbelieveable.

"oh my g-god d-dan," phil stuttered.

"don't laugh," he whispered.

"why would i laugh?" phil asked, utterly confused.

"it's," dan was so quiet, "it's small- and you're the first person to see me like this..." he rambled on for a while, trying to close his legs and cover himself up the whole time. phil just stared in awe.

"you're gorgeous," and dan stopped talking as phil took his dick into his hand and stroked upward.

"oh," dan breathed, "oh god."

and phil wasn't stopping, he could feel himself harden in his pants. dan was making beautiful sounds, and his whole body was turning a pale shade of red due to the heat radiating from his being. a string of curses left his blasphemous mouth when phils mouth connected with his flushed skin.

phil was scared. he'd never given a blowjob before, let alone had sex. what if he did it wrong? what if dan didn't like it? but it didn't matter for long as dan started thrusting up uncontrollably into phils hot mouth. he was close. phil pulled off.

dan near-on screamed when the pressure left, but he knew that the best was yet to come. 

"are you," phil didn't know how to ask, "have you ever-"

"fingered myself?" dan huffed, "yes, phil."

"good."

he leaned over to dans bag that was on his set of drawers and started searching. lube. 

"how did you know i'd have that," the boy mused.

"i just figured-" phil started but he couldn't finish as he opened the cap and poured the cool liquid onto his fingers, "i've never done this before dan, you have to tell me if im doing it wrong."

"course, but i doubt you will," dan sighed.

the first finger went in easily, and after half a minute of twisting and turning dan was practically begging for more. two was apparently slightly uncomfortable, as dan asked for a second to relax. three obviously felt amazing as dan was grinding back onto phils hand like his life depened on it. he was letting out obscene noises, but nothing compared to the shriek he emitted when phil found his prostate.

"fuck!" he yelled. phil grinned, very pleased with himself, "there, oh there, fuck, phil." every word was drawn out and lustful, and phil needed to touch himself so badly.

finally, dan was stretched and ready.

"don't back out now," he smiled.

"not a chance," phil agreed.

"im about to lose my virginity," dan whispered, nearly inaudible. phil chuckled.

he unbuttoned his jeans and shed them off his legs, followed swiftly by his boxers. dans eyes widened when he saw phils dick, "it's big," he babbled. a laugh was his only response.

phil desperately jerked himself off with a fistful of lube for only ten seconds before lining up with dans hole.

"good?"

"good."

and it was happening. he was pushing in, inch by inch, slowly as could be, but everything was magical. dan was gasping huge intakes of air every second, moaning with no control whatsoever, and phil groaned lowly into the boys neck. it took dan about a minute to get comfortable before he asked phil to move. hard.

and so he did.

he thrust into his boyfriend fast, dan struggling to keep his eyes open, all the while kissing anywhere his lips could reach. dan was so loud and responsive- phil was high off of it.

all it took was a couple well aimed thrusts into dans spot, the head of phils cock slamming into it with no remorse, and dan was coming. hot white streaks painted both his chest and phils, as he screamed his boyfriends name. the sight alone was enough to send phil over the edge. his orgasm hit like a billion waves of pure pleasure. his entire body shook and tingled as he pulled out just in time to add to the mess on dans tummy.

dan was so, so pretty.

"hey, gorgeous."

the next morning. phil expected it to be awkward, but it wasn't. he and dan had woken up in each other's arms once again, this time closer.

dans reply was just an outrageous fit of giggles.

"i can't believe we did that, phil," he was laying on his tummy, hair in possibly the biggest mess phil'd even seen it in. it was all the more endearing.

"mmm," phil mumbled groggily, "i can."

he rolled over and pulled dan onto his chest, the younger a hot, blushing mess.

"i remember that night," phil said quietly, "before our first day of high school when we were drifting off just like this. then you called me hot for the first time," phil exhaled and dan laughed again, "you have no idea what that did to me. my whole body shook, dan," he bowed his head to look at the younger boy.

dan looked up innocently, "i don't tell you that enough."

"what?"

"you're always going on about how im 'so, so pretty,' but i hardly ever repay the compliment."

phil smiled, "dan, you do, don't worr-"

"you're so hot..." he yelled, drawing out the o sound in 'hot' for way longer than necessary. sitting up abruptly, knees either side of phils slim body, dan threw his head back and grinned, "how do i cope with this disgustingly beautiful person beside me every," he raised a cocky eyebrow, "single day."

"stop," phil shook his head, embarrassed for some reason.

"never!" dan exclaimed, acting mock offense, "i am allowed to shower my boyfriend in praise, am i not?"

"no you're not," phil replied.

dan shrugged, "i guess you'll have to call me gorgeous again instead."

phil huffed, but smiled brightly as he said, "of course i will, gorgeous," the final word was sarcastic but its meaning held not one shred of a lie.

it took no more than a month for dan and phil to find a new place to rent. in that time phil acquired a job at a kinda fancy café, dan upset that he'd have to be alone during the day. he needed something to take his mind off the loneliness so dan applied to work in a flower shop. of course, the lovely old lady who owned the store immediately fell in love with his adorable look and calm personality, therefore securing him the job.

dans work hours were one short of phils, so every afternoon he'd grab a hot chocolate from his favourite barista.

"i don't understand how you get through the day without a coffee," phil pondered aloud one day as he skillfully mixed milk and chocolate.

"because it's disgusting," his boyfriend reasoned, "i'm not gonna drink something gross, phil."

"but it's basically liquid energy," phil commented.

"oh shut up," dan rolled his pretty eyes, "you're talking nonsense and there's a line of customers so hurry up."

"you love my nonsense," and with a quick peck on the lips across a counter dans drink was thrust into his hands.

the coffee debate lasted for far too long.

"so if you were gonna have some how do you think you'd like it?" phil asked, back at their hotel.

"no clue," dan chuckled, "what're the options?"

"well there's black which is really strong, white which you'd probably prefer, espresso if you wanna be jumping out of your skin, skinny-"

"skinny," dan said forcefully.

"why?" phil laughed at his tone.

"sounds healthier," he smiled.

"no i know why you want it skinny," phil smirked and gestured to his body, "because that's how you like your men!"

"shut up!" dan yelled, getting up from his seat at the dining table to throw a tea towel at his boyfriend.

"sorry, sorry," phil was in fits of laughter, and it was a cheesy joke but he didn't care whatsoever because he loved this boy so much. when dan laughed, he laughed too.

their new apartment was nothing special, but after reclaiming their previously stocked belongings dan and phil began to make it look like a home. the small flat was full of flowers- ones dan specifically recommended- and their scent filled the area with a sweet aroma. it reminded phil of his beautiful brunette.

phil mentally described dan nearly every day. he used similar adjectives each time but his descriptions were all different. if he was an able writer he'd write endless poems and storys about dan. phils brain was an amazing place, everything he thought was wonderful and sweet- but as soon as the boy went to write anything he went blank. it was like the universe knew that his thoughts of his boyfriend were only for him, not to be shared. so that universe made him unable to record the words.

phil knew he could never tell dan just how stunning he thought he was. if he tried, he would surely just stutter and choke up the words on a sob. dan would understand.

he then opted for mentally posting the thoughts to dan. their heads were resting together as they lay in bed, dans curls tickling phils nose, and if he'd cared he would've moved them. but he didn't. because dan was perfect.

'dan dan dan dan dan.' it was his childish memories flooding back, the dan train used to never leave the station- the station being phils mind. he was always there, not physically but phil could always touch him. not emotionally, but phil could always feel him. not mentally, but phil could always connect with him.

love was so damn confusing. phil guessed it would be worse if dan was his second, or third, or twelfth love, but he had no idea because this was his first. his first and only. one hundred percent true, pure, passionate love. and it was sickly sweet and phil didn't care. he couldn't stress that enough.

because dan was so, so pretty.

with his long, dark curls.

his deep, caring eyes.

his freckled cheeks.

his full, kissable lips.

his narrow shoulders.

his thin, lanky arms.

his perfect stomach and hips.

his gorgeous legs, thighs, calves.

even his goddamn feet were attractive.

he was so, so pretty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you liked it ya nasties


	9. chapter eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> phil finds out about a new struggle of dans. will his situation break them, or make them stronger?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw// mention of eating disorder and obsessive exercise :(

home. dan and phil.

the two fitted together like bread and butter. their new lives were harmonious and filled with all the joy in the world. but there was always that underlying question of: what next?

phil knew that, in the future, his small coffee shop salary wasn't going to keep the household stable. dans job didn't make any more money and the subject was quietly tucked away.

they needed a plan, but dan was so stressed, and phil didn't want to make his state worse. so he left it for a little longer.

it was an early five o'clock in the morning and dan was awake, sitting at the dining table with a mug of tea in his left hand. his head in the other. phil had felt his warmth leave their bed but didn't think much of it. he didn't know that dan, without being able to speak, needed him more than ever right now.

the brunette exhaled thickly into the tense morning air, breath making a cloud. he pulled at his hair and gripped his cup too tight, the fear that it'd break barely there. his knees rested below his chin, head drooping pathetically to the side. dan called for phil, but he couldn't be heard above his ragged breathing. the boy was tired and needy but no one was there.

his cup went crashing to the tiled floor waking phil with a start. at first his brain said 'burglar burglar burglar' but after feeling the empty space beside him it switched to 'dan dan dan dan dan.'

phil jumped out of bed, throwing a sweatshirt on over his pale, bare skin and ran into the kitchen, legs shivering slightly as they were only clothed in boxers. he saw dan, lying on the floor in a puddle of tea, nearly entirely naked and skinny - he was so, so skinny, and phil smacked himself for not noticing. immediately he picked up the fragile boy, who whimpered into phils shoulder. 'dan dan dan dan dan.' would he be okay? 

"baby," phil spoke softly, not wanting to startle his boyfriend, "babe, what's wrong?"

a tear rolled down dans stained cheek and he snuffled again. he was still so, so pretty.

"i'm fine," he was barely audible, a sign that he clearly wasn't fine... and phil didn't know what to do.

"should i call an ambulan-"

"i'm not sick," dan said. phil placed him gently on the sofa.

"oh," phil replied, "what's this then?" he motioned towards all of the mess dan had created, of himself and the floor.

the younger boys head bobbed slightly and phil thought he was going to pass out, but dan spoke with a crack in his voice, "sad."

it was one, basic word, that every toddler learns to describe their emotions but in that moment 'sad' meant more than it'd ever meant before. as it escaped his mouth, it was as if dans entire purpose dripped off the syllable. it was a cry for help, and phil kicked himself for not keeping the boy on that high he'd been riding just five weeks before.

feigning bravery, phil sat down beside his boyfriend on the couch and put a hand on his thigh.

"why are you sad, darling?"

but all the reply he got was a shrug.

phil traced a finger over dans exposed ribs, making him shudder slightly. the brunette had bones sticking out where they should be covered with body mass. his chest was so delicate and phil had no clue how he'd never realised. he saw this boy entirely naked nearly every day and was clearly too caught up in how alarmingly gorgeous he was, to see he needed help. 

he had been eating. that was for certain. phil would never let him starve himself. so how the hell did he lose all this weight so fast?

"you're tiny," he looked into dans eyes, there was nothing behind them. dan peered down at where phils finger had stopped on his tummy, "wanna talk about it?" 

"no," but he did anyway, "you know how my work hours extended by two?"

"yeah," phil narrowed his eyes. dan shook his head.

"they never did," phils heart raced, "i started going to the gym because-" the boys voice cracked, "because i thought i was fat-"

"dan-"

"no, listen," he twirled a finger round one of his bouncy curls, he was so, so pretty, "at first it was just basic stuff people to do lose weight for an hour. then i'd whip home and have a shower so you didn't suspect anything."

"why didn't you just tell me?" phil inquired, "i would have supported you... even though you're not bloody fat."

"because," dan inhaled sharply, "after a week or two of no improvement i started doing stuff way out of my ability. which was so stupid now that i think about it. and when i was at work i only ate the tiniest amount-"

"that's why you were making me cook only super low calorie meals and stuff?" dan nodded, "babe, that isn't ok."

"i know, and im dumb," his eyes glistened in the early morning light, "and i wish i hadn't done it again, for gods sake."

phil stood up abruptly and slapped his hands down on his bare thighs, "im the stupid one!" he yelled, "how could i not notice- im so caught up in protecting you that i don't even realise when you're not safe."

dan sobbed a little and stood up too. he walked slowly up behind phil and wrapped his arms around his boyfriends stomach. 

"it's my fault, phil," he sighed into phils shoulder blade, "i need to trust you when you say im pretty."

"you are," he fired back nearly immediately.

"i know," dan smiled, "so what are we gonna do?"

"you're gonna eat a whole bloody buffet that's what you're gonna do," phil turned around and kissed dan softly on the forehead. he whined. dan hated when phil kissed him anywhere but his lips.

"please," dan whispered.

"only," phil smirked, pulling dans thin hips into his own, "if you promise me that you'll get that gorgeous body of yours back."

"i will, phil, i promise," dan huffed out through his nose as phil kissed his cheeks, neck, collarbones, everywhere his lips could reach- apart from dans own. phil trailed his hands down the youngers sides, eliciting another whimper and shiver, "phil-"

and they were kissing like their lives depended on it. messy and rushed and a tangle of lips and arms, but it was dan and phil and it was perfect. it had all happened before, but dan still found himself surprised by how quickly phil could make him weak at the knees. his heart raced and his head spun- it was the bliss dan needed in these moments. he never wanted it to end.

the evening was cool, as it so often was in london, so dan and phil were wrapped up to the neck in clothes. 

"where are we going?" dan grinned, feeling very light and fluffy after that mornings antics. 

"somewhere fancy for the gentleman," phil tied their fingers together. he was too much of a charmer for his own good.

"well," dan stopped walking to spin phil around, "fancy but not too expensive, right?"

"oh no, i was hoping our budget would be about," phil thought for a moment, "ten pounds?"

dan scoffed, "as if, sir," then he continued to walk down the street, phil jogging slightly to catch up. dan was smiling, he was so, so pretty, "i know we're poor as heck, philly, but that doesn't stop us from treating ourselves every once in a while."

"yeah?"

"yeah, especially now that im changing this," he patted his stomach.

"anyone who just saw that with no context will think you're pregnant," phil giggled.

"and so they should," dans eyes glinted in the street lamps, he was so, so pretty. 

they chose a place called windows, it was gorgeous and by far the most romantic place phil had ever been in. affordable, too. 

"surprised they had a table?" dan asked as they were seated.

"yes," phil chuckled, "it looks like a place that'd be packed every night."

"does indeed."

they sat by a window, ironic as that was the name of the restaurant, the moon shining its beautiful rays onto dans more beautiful face. it was casting shadows below his lashes and glinting sliver in his caramel eyes. his hair fell gracefully over his forehead creating darkness above his brows. he was so, so pr-

"staring again," he smiled.

phil was embarrassed and looked down, "sorry."

"it's fine!" dan put his hands behind his head, "flattering."

"you used to stare all the time," phils eyes were mischievous, "i called you gawker."

"you did, i remember," he took a breath, "i still do you just don't notice." 

"really?" dan nodded, "why?"

"because you're 'so, so pretty,'" he said in a mocking voice, "especially when you just get out of the shower," he winked.

"hey," phil burned red but couldn't hide a grin, "you're right tho," and he smirked as dan rolled his eyes. 

"gross."

"you started it."

"did not."

"did too!"

the waiter brought them a bottle of wine and two glasses of water. dan shook his head as phil poured the red liquid into a very expensive looking cup. 

"you have to try it!" phil exclaimed.

"it's disgusting," dan reasoned.

"well," phil said, "you're gonna have some anyway."

he grabbed the glass and put it up against dans pursed lips. his eyes said no but his mouth parted and he allowed phil to help him drink the wine. dan screwed his face up but swallowed it nonetheless.

"yuck," he spat.

"i take you loved it!" phil laughed, throwing his head back in amusement.

"i hate you for making me drink that."

"no," phil mocked sadness, "you love me."

they ordered their main, ate it, dan making obscene noises at the taste, and then chose their desserts. 

"we're the youngest people here by at least a decade," phil leant back in his chair.

"and we keep getting weird looks from the seventy year old straight couples," dan mused.

phil laughed, "thats true, but i don't really care."

"neither."

phil took dans hand in his own and placed a soft kiss to his knuckles. the boy blushed and deep dimples appeared around his cute smile. he was so, so pretty. and phil wanted the world to know.

"you flatter me, phil lester."

"because i love you."

dan couldn't stop the way his eyes turned to hearts as he said, "i love you too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ty for reading hopefully not too triggering


	10. chapter nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> phil takes dan on a remarkable date but it's somewhat changed by phil's tense mood. what secret is he hiding?

the next two years flew by faster than phil thought humanly possible. the lady that owned the flower shop passed away and her business was thrown into dans hands, while phil was upgraded to head barista when the previous one moved towns. their income grew phenomenally and the couple moved into a larger apartment. 

"phil this is surreal," dan said one morning as he entered their living room wearing only a pair of black boxers. he was so, so pretty.

"i know, baby," phil replied. it had been about a month since they'd moved into their new place, but dan was still contemplating how it had happened. 

dan sat on his lap and rested his head on phils shoulder, "we need something on that wall," he pointed to a bare spot next to the tv, "it's too plain - doesn't suit us."

phil chuckled, "we'll find something." 

dan smiled.

the day was warm, and dan was off work. so he stayed in the back of phils cafe. 

"you're never back here anyway why am i secluding myself?" dan asked, stepping behind the counter, pretending to be annoyed.

"because you sometimes have random inclinations to make out with me," phil said as he crafted a perfect chai latte.

"haha very funny," dan said sarcastically. phil knew that him just saying the words 'make' and 'out' together would entice dan into doing the action. and it did, "but i wouldn't be opposed to-"

"no," phil said sternly grabbing dans hand which had been slowly travelling up to phils face, "not here."

"but why?" dan groaned, fidgeting his feet and giving phil puppy eyes.

"cause im at work you dork," phil laughed.

"fine then," dan threw his head back dramatically, curls bouncing as they did when he was tiny, "guess i'll go entertain myself then."

the day had been warm but the evening was cold. the two hadn't been out on a date for ages and it was about time they did something romantic. phils fingers were interlocked with dans, his stomach churned relentlessly and he tightened his jaw in the cold breeze.

"you ok?" dan asked, slowly down their pace, "you seem tense."

"no it's just," phil thought about the heightening pressure in his right trouser pocket, "im fine, darling don't worry."

dan smiled, "ok," and he pecked his boyfriends cheek.

phil exhaled heavily and closed his eyes, while dan basically pulled him along the street, "remember that fancy place we went after i had that meltdown a couple years back?" he questioned.

"uh," phil thought, "yeah, windows wasn't it?"

dan pointed to a white building on the hill, "there?"

it was the very restaurant, "shall we?" dan bowed like a gentleman.

"stop that, you," phils mouth broke put into a playful smile, "but yes."

they sat by a window, yet again, and phil thought dan had never looked prettier. he took in a sharp breath and grabbed dans hand, "there's somewhere i need to take you after this."

"oooo!" the brunette raised his eyebrows, "where? clubbing?"

"no, baby," phil grinned, "somewhere much less energetic and much more romantic," he winked.

"i hate surprises," dan said hopefully.

"im not telling you."

"i hate you."

"you love me!"

"sure," dan smirked.

the meal was just as phil remembered. a perfect balance of flavours and textures, frankly, it was one of the nicest things he'd ever eaten. dan seemed to be enjoying it too as he was producing some ridiculous sounds.

"for some reason," phil began, "i seem to recall you being gross like that last time we were here."

dan flushed red, "it's so good, though, can't help it," he said as he ate another forkful of whatever meat was on his plate.

they finished up and dan was excited to see where phil would be taking him, "i've planned this all out, sweetheart, you better be grateful."

the younger boy was practically skipping at this point, pulling on phils hand to hurry him along. it was absolutely gorgeous- just like dan. he was so, so pretty.

it was a rooftop garden. there were steps leading up to it, with flowers along the hand rails- dan was in heaven. everywhere he turned there were roses and carnations, and candles. they gave off a strong scent of vanilla that dan happily inhaled, he spun in the moonlight as he reached the top. it was a beautiful sight, the boy fitted in perfectly. 

"phil this is-" 

phil had removed his jacket to reveal a sharp black suit and he had a tie around his neck.

"come here."

dan obliged. he walked slowly towards his boyfriend who reached out and placed his hands on the youngers waist. phil attached his lips to dans neck as the boy melted into warm arms, "i love you," he whispered.

"i love you too," phil said, "so..." he pulled back and focussed on the weight in his pocket again.

do it.

he thought to himself.

it'll be easy.

and so phil lester took dan howells hand in his, kissed his knuckles and straightened his suit jacket. he took a deep breath, turned around, and reached for the box. it was soft and velvety and red, it's contents worth more than anything phil had ever owned. he was so nervous, yet, so excited. and nearly positive it was going to work in his favour.

he turned back so he was facing dan.

"daniel james howell," he took a step in, "you are the first person i ever loved and hopefully the last i ever will."

dan blushed deeply and cocked his head to the side.

"you're smart, funny, talented and stunningly gorgeous. obviously the most amazing man i've ever met!"

"phil..."

"we've got too many memories that we can't ever share," he winked, "and too many that the world deserves to know about."

"what're you-" but it was phils speech, and he spoke right over the confused boy.

"we make a perfect couple, if i do say so myself, and i never- ever- want to think of a world without you, so..."

he got down on one knee.

"will you make my entire life, and marry me, baby?"

dan looked shocked and overwhelmed and elated. god, was he happy. his hands crossed each other and covered his gaping mouth.

"yes!" he yelled, "yes, yes, yes-" but he couldn't continue because his lips found phils and the words turned to muffle. they made out for too long, and got too touchy in public but neither would even think of caring. 

'dan dan dan dan dan,' they were engaged. ENGAGED! it was impossibly wonderful and dan looked absolutely beautiful under the moonlight. his lips were red and puffy from all the kissing, his eyes were like orbs from happy tears and delight and his hair was strewn all over his ecstatic face. 

he was so, so pretty.

and phil had said it hundreds of times but it was too true to stop. because he was. so, so pretty. inhumanely so. phil would never get enough of staring at his face, playing with his curls, kissing his lips.

they were going to get married.

they were going to spend their lives together.

he was so, so pretty.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading? i need some love.


End file.
